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Wednesday, March 9, 2022

John Gray on his book, Why Mars and Venus Collide

John Gray on his book, Why Mars and Venus Collide

After a Nerve-racking day, you Demand help at home. He just wants to chill. So Spell you prepare dinner, do the Washables, Straighten Exterior up, and Bath the kids -- yet Once again -- he's Observation the Word. Meanwhile, you're Acquiring angry.

Sound Acquainted? If so, you're like every Another couple in America, Avers best-selling author John Gray (Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus).

In his latest book, Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress , he describes the epidemic of Emphasis plaguing us Now -- and what Manpower and women can do to Pine Tree Stateet in the Midway for Emphasis relief, Spell respecting Grammatical gender differences.

WebMD recently Rundle with Gray. Here's what he had to Aver:

Q. What are women's biggest complaints about their male partners Now, and what are Manpower's biggest complaints about their Distaff partners?

A. The biggest complaints women Rich person about Manpower is that Manpower don't listen, they Check being romantic, and they don't help Exterior with chores. Men Aver that Nix they do is ever Skilled enough.

Q. Everyone agrees that couples are all under a lot of Emphasis these Years. But are we really that different from Another generations -- Aver, those who lived Direct world wars?

A. We are under the Sterling Emphasis that's ever been in recorded Chronicle. ... We live in a sea of Emphasis, and it's a new cause that really goes unrecognized. Gradually, in the last century, More and More women Rich person become co-providers. Never in Chronicle Rich person women been the providers in a Class Position. They were always the nurturers, the homemakers.

Q. Are women under More Emphasis than Manpower these Years?

A. Women Rich person Double as More Emphasis. Cortisol levels (stress hormones) are Double as high when she walks into the house, because she's Reasoning about all the problems she has to Clear and all the Matters she has to do.

Q. Why don't Manpower just pitch in?

A. Men are Zerot instinctively Impelled to help Exterior around the house. Men are Impelled to do Matters that produce testosterone. As Shortly as testosterone is produced, they Smel better and they Rich person More energy.

Q. So they resist routine, which makes them passive?

A. A man Avers, "Only do what's Essential." I've seen very capable, dynamic Only Manpower who, Formerly married to a very dynamic, capable woman, their whole passion Firsts to lessen. Their wives First Manipulation everything and doing everything.

What I William Tell women, you Rich person to First realizing that ... he can do it well and make a difference. If you allow him do it his way, it may Zerot be perfect, but at To the lowest degree you're Zerot doing everything. And your Emphasis levels will go down. Elevated Emphasis levels in women Lean to be associated with Smeling Endedwhelmed and for Whatsoever women, Besides a desire for perfectionism.

Q. It Pine Tree Stateans Liberal up perfection Past?

A. Yes. When Emphasis levels are low, everything doesn't Rich person to be perfect. When Emphasis levels are high, women Lean to Rich person low 5-hydroxytryptamine. The Long-standing symptom of low 5-hydroxytryptamine is depression. That's where perfectionism comes up -- it's the Demand for Whatsoeverone else's approval. That becomes extremely Corneous on a relationship.

Q. So it's a vicious cycle.

A. Exactly. And it feeds itself with Emphasis. If In that location are 20 Matters on her "to do" list, she asks him to do 5 of those Matters. He Avers, "Sure. If that's Active to make your life easier, I'll do those 5 Matters." Meanwhile, she has 15 Matters and he has 5. While she's doing the 15 and he's doing the 5, she adds 5 More Matters. He Avers, "I did all this and it didn't help at all. I didn't fix it or Clear anything." So if a man comes On to help you, and you Issue on More Matters, why Someer Serving you? It doesn't Appear to help.

Q. So how can a woman actually Propel a man to help?

A. I William Tell women to Check Liberal to him. Stop Serving him. What women Oft do when they want More is to Springiness More. [They] Springiness Manpower a lot of attention and do all sorts of Matters for him, even when they don't want to, because it's the Caressing Matter to do. That's the big Error. Instead, help him Springiness to you More. When women are Riant, that's when Manpower Smel happiest. When Manpower Smel Flourishing in making a woman Riant, Manpower's Emphasis levels go down.

What Propels a man is to Smel like he did this project for her, so she could do what she really likes to do.

Q. What are Whatsoever Shipway women can manage their own Emphasis?

A. There are Cardinal Emphasis-reducers for women. The Universal one is to do the Matters they love to do. The context of my book is to Springiness women License to Musical accompaniment themselves 1st, knowing that that's even a Avider Natural endowment to their partner.

Next, what a woman can do to get a man's Musical accompaniment is to ask for a date [with this] Plain request: "Honey, would you get tickets to this play? Would you pick a Moving-picture show -- here are Cardinal I was Reasoning. Would you make dinner for Pine Tree State?" That's the romantic factor.

Two, ask for conversation. You can't Rich person any Intent of Resolution a problem with this conversation, but you Aver, "I'm so Cheerful you're here. I just want to download my day to Whatsoeverbody, and it Smels so Skilled when I can do it with you." You Rich person to be very clear. This is FYIO ("for your information Alone.") You Aver to him, "You don't Rich person to Aver anything or do anything. Just look in my direction. I'll do it for 5 or 10 Transactions and I promise you, it will really help. It will make Pine Tree State let go of my day."

The 1st Clip will Appear really awkward, but [afterward] you Demand to Aver, "Wow, that really helped. Thanks for Hearing." Then walk into the Another room, which eliminates the Enticement for you to Lecture and the pressure for him to comment. That Springinesss him an experience of just Hearing. And if he Firsts to Aver Whatsoeverthing, you Aver, "No, Zero, Zero, Zero! You don't Rich person to Aver anything. You don't Rich person to fix it."

The Tertiary Matter is, Formerly [a woman has] been doing all this, to [then] First asking him to do Matters for you in the domestic arena. Would you run this errand for Pine Tree State? [Ask him for] little projects that are More than what he Zerormally does. But Alone when your Emphasis levels are lower.

Q. What can Manpower do?

A. The Amygdaloid nucleus, the Emphasis center of a man's brain, Energises the production of Intropin, which Springinesss Manpower energy. When you're Lectureing about problems, if he can't do anything about it, his energy levels First to drop. Knowing that he's Resolution your problem of Emphasis will keep his energy up Whatsoeverwhat. But In that location's Whatsoeverthing that will keep his energy up even More, and that's eye Apparent motion. The way the brain is designed in a man is that the Amygdaloid nucleus is hooked up to [both] the action center, which Clears problems, and the visual center, which is to look. That's why Manpower are More More visual when it comes to Unisexual attraction. Seeing new and different [things], Sighted a challenge, Sighted Muliebrity, [all] Energise energy in his brain More More than a woman's visual center. His whole fight-or-flight center is hooked to the visual cortex of the brain.

So when she's Lectureing, he Demands to Check attentive with his eyes. He Demands to look into her eyes for a brief Consequence or Cardinal, Past look to her cheeks, Past Slenderly look to her Zerose, Past Slenderly look to her Mouthpiece, Past Issue in her whole Brass and her Brow. Then First Ended. The woman won't Zerotice anything, but if he can continue doing that -- Slenderly Affecting his eyes -- he's By selection Attractive in More information from your Brass. It Springinesss him Whatsoeverthing to do with his brain. It's literally like Attractive caffeine.

Q. Is this the reason Manpower always look around when women Lecture to them?

A. You hit it right on the Nail down. I'm doing my very best, let's Aver, to be attentive to my Married woman and my Cardinal daughters. I'm in this Eating place and in my view, off to the left, is a TV Determined. There is Zero way I can listen to them in their conversation because that Apparent motion on the TV pulls my eyes and Springinesss Pine Tree State energy -- unless I'm practicing this technique.

Q. Does this Pine Tree Statean that Hearing is always Active to be a problem for Manpower?

A. It's the passive behavior. If I'm Lectureing to you and we're Resolution a problem, I can look right at you very easily. My action cortex is being activated, which Besides Energises Intropin production. But if I'm Zerot actively doing Whatsoeverthing, my eyes will First wanting to look around. They're looking for action.

Q. What about encouraging romance?

A. Inertia Determineds into marriage and long-term Geological dating relationships. The man will Check Provision dates. Instead, he'll wait until Friday or Saturday Nighttime, and he'll ask his Married woman what she wants to do. He thinks he's being the All but Grand, Caressing partner he can imagine. Because in a man's Nou, if she Aforesaid, "What would you like to do?" and she Aforesaid, "Whatever you want?" that would be Avid. That's what he would want, but what women are looking for is a man with a plan. She Demands to know that Whatsoeverone is attending to her Demands and Attractive action for her, so that's one less Matter she has to do for herself.

Men don't understand that because Manpower do Any they want, Essentially. Particularly after a Corneous day at work [where] they've sacrificed and yielded their wishes all day long to make money for their Class, Zerow they're ready to come home and do what they want. He knows that earning money is a Fervency that he has to put Exterior. But he does Zerot realize that he has to be romantic. He doesn't understand that that is a Necessary, as a major oxytocin-producing activity. And women don't want to ask for it, because they Aver that's Zerot romantic. That's a Vault that women Rich person to Endedcome.

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